Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
