i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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