I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
