If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
