I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
as a side note pls kill me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
