i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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