I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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