My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
