I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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