Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it's great music for shaving your balls
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
