walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
