My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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