OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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