I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
