I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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