I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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