I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize