if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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