dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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