I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
