I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
