did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
