can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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