the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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