Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
