3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
