i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
