I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
