I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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