I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
