When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
