i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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