so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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