the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
