Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
