shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
