Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
