Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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