You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
