Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
