Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
