My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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