i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
