im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am midnight drunk by noon
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
