my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
