i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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