I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
