He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
