you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm like, not good at living.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
