Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
