I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So. Much. Porn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
