sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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