Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
