I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
