I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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