I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
