ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
