i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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