I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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