I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
