Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
