im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
