I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
