Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
