M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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