is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You're like the curious george of whores
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I touched a dick in church today
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
