I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
